


Looking at You Now (You Would Never Know)

by rosierey



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Angst, BAMF Benji, Canon-Typical Violence, Dating, Domestic Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Kissing, M/M, Mild Smut, POV Benji, Sickeningly Sweet, can't catch a break, post fallout, some POV Ethan too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-02 02:45:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16778068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosierey/pseuds/rosierey
Summary: Taking down Walker and Lane doesn't solve everything......But the fallout brings Ethan and Benji together





	Looking at You Now (You Would Never Know)

PART 1

After the initial dose of adrenaline- the high of the victory and pride for a job well done- the technicolour scene started to seep into grays. Bone deep fatigue set in as the sunset settled over them, and Benji couldn't seem to stop shaking now. 

He thanked... whomever, that the jitters didn't start until after they'd disarmed the warhead but now he could hardly hold a cup of tea without spilling. So he declined Julia's offer and said no thank you to Ilsa's later one for food. He could hardly keep down the bile at the bottom of his stomach let alone real food. 

Julia had checked him over, gentle and sweet as always, and said the bruising would stick around for a while and his throat may be uncomfortable but overall he'd be okay. So that's what he was; okay. That's what he told himself. It had eased his pain to see her alive and happy, he'd missed her over the years- and knew Ethan did too. She had a way of lighting up whatever room she walked into. Befriended everyone, even the shy and nervous I.T. Dork.

They were all tired and Julia's new husband took them to a vacant tent with cots and piles of blankets inside. As the light over the mountains slipped away everyone settled in, sinking like stone's into the deep-end of sleep without so much as a mumble goodnight. 

Benji didn't join them. He lay on his side, chewing his thumb and watching the doorway. All he could feel was the twists of the rope against his throat, unrelenting and cruel under Lane's hand. He pictured it again and again- how could he have got out of it? What if he'd moved this way and not that? He played every version he could think of in his mind until it became a ticker tape of images. Finally he quietly sat up. Two cots over Luther snored lightly, and that made Benji smile a little. The man could sleep anywhere. But his thoughts were elsewhere now.

He slipped from the tent, blanket wrapped around his shoulders against the harsh chill that bit at his fingers. He crossed the grassy grounds to the medical tent, lit dimly in one plastic window. With care Benji moved aside the flap and, with an unexpected surge of relief, laid his eyes on Ethan in bed. 

The camping light cast his bruised and scratch features in shadow, but Benji could see he was asleep. Benji was fairly sure the man hadn't slept for the whole mission so it was good to see.

Treading carefully, Benji placed a chair beside the bed and sat down heavily. It felt odd to watch Ethan like this, so vulnerable and open, but he knew if Ethan needed to he could be lethal even from the confines of a hospital bed. That was reassuring, more so than two just as dangerous operatives in the other tent- though Benji didn't know why. 

The side of Ethan's face lit by the lamp was scrapped down the cheekbone, his ear almost entire raw-red. There were cuts about his lip and jaw, and Benji could see in the shadow of it light bruising on his neck too. It made Benji's whole throat shiny with pain. He swallowed hard and touched his own paper thin skin. Ethan's hands were a mess too, even thought they'd been gloved in leather the knuckles were still swollen and split. Benji knew beneath the blanket and layers were more bruises and cracks, more than Benji had. So why did he feel like this? 

Hurriedly he swallowed his sob, staving off the tears and the panic welling in his already painfully tight throat. He dragged the chair closer, until he could lean on the bed-edge and look more intently at his friend. He covered his mouth with his fingers, pressing hard against his lips. Maybe if he looked hard enough he could see how Ethan slept now, maybe find out how he could do it too. It was probably drugs he realised and tried not to laugh. 

"I don't know, Ethan, I just don't know..." He murmured. Perhaps for now this would be enough, seeing Ethan whole (for the most part) and alive while Lane was in a plane being whisked away to jail. Yeah, he could live with that. Slowly, without meaning to, Benji drooped until he head rested in his crossed arms and his eyes drifted shut, safe in the knowledge he could feel Ethan against him now.

He didn't dream for the first time in months. Most nights were restless or half-slept, haunted by Lane's imperious stare and voice that made him shudder. Benji didn't realise until he started to drift awake that no; he had dreamed of nothing. He wasn't sure whether he was more unnerved or relieved.

Then a bolt pain shot through his neck and gasp, clutching at the aching muscles. It burned to turn his head but he had to to gauge just how painful it was.

"Mornin'," a voice whispered in a slur. Benji looked up carefully and saw Ethan peering down at him, looking weary but pleased. He smiled back, melting in relief. It was short lived when Ethan's eyes shifted to Benji's throat, catching a glimpse at the bruising that he tried to hide.

"Benji..." His tone was breathless, fingers moving from his lap to push Benji's collar away. It sent a shock up his spine and he sat up quickly.

"It's fine, I'm fine, Ethan, how are you feeling? Should I get Julia-" He moved to stand but Ethan waved, brow furrowing. 

"I'm okay, Benji, your neck..." Ethan said quietly, trying to prop himself up on his elbows and wincing. 

"No no no, don't do that, lay down," Benji fretted. He gently pushed Ethan's shoulder down and sat too, patting him before retracting his hand to his bouncing thigh. It was hard to meet his eye, so he watched the heart monitor on the other side of the bed.

"Ilsa told me what happened, what you did," Ethan muttered, "Benji look at me-"

'I can't' Benji wanted to say but instead he swallowed, flickering between the undulating red line and concerned eyes. 

"I'm proud of you," Ethan finally said and Benji couldn't stop the tiny gasp of air from escaping. He looked at the tarp above and then away, neck twinging.

"Ethan-"

"Seriously, you did brilliantly," Ethan continued and smiled, hand drifting to the edge of the bed. It was too much. Benji felt angry at himself bring the other churning emotions to boil. He rubbed a hand over his mouth, feeling the tears prickle. Ethan's smile faltered. 

"W-what is it? Benji?" 

"I-" Benji swallowed, throwing a hand skyward, "I almost died, I guess." 

"We all did," Ethan replied, almost fondly. 

"No but, but before that he had me hanging from the rafters, Ethan, and I was sure-" Benji stared at nothing; picturing it, feeling it. "- I was sure. I was going to die like that, and he'd have finally got me."

"No, Benji- I wouldn't have let that happen."

"How?! You were in a bloody helicopter. Which I know you can't fly by the way, so how you did that-" Benji shook his head. Ethan watched him, something playing across he face. Benji glared at the heart monitor, swallowing back the tears. 

"Can I see?"

Benji sighed heavily, "yes."

Like getting his about to get his blood taken, he looked away as Ethan's hand reach out. He only flinched a little when the collar was pulled back to expose his bruises. Ethan shifted in the bed to get close, keeping the collar down with his wrist to brush against the marred skin. Benji tilted his chin to the side, closing his eyes. It was okay, it wasn't Lane. In fact it was nice- it wasn't a medical probing either; it was Ethan. Benji sighed, the tension melting from his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Benji, I couldn't protect you." 

"It's not your job, Ethan, your job is to save the world. You did that pretty well," Benji smiled weakly, "I mean, you were pushing it a bit."

Ethan smiled back, and rested his hand on Benji's shoulder, thumb at the hollow of his throat. For the first time it didn't repulse Benji to be touched there and he leaned into it. Not sure what to do with his hands, he cautiously moved one to hold Ethan's wrist lightly. 

"You're my team, Benji. I always protect my team."

Benji resigned himself to not argue. There was no changing the man's mind about this sort of thing. He would carry the guilt no matter what. 

"It wasn't your fault. Bastard had it out for anyway," Benji grumbled, running his thumb over Ethan's pulse. "Did Ilsa tell you I glassed him?"

Ethan's laugh is half a wheeze.

"She didn't," he chuckled, clutching his rib as he did. 

The flap of the tent lifted noisily and Ethan's hand slipped away as Julia walked in with Luther. Right. Benji hid his disappointment, watching Ethan smile at them warmly, a little tiredly. He turned in the chair and greeted them too, shifting his coat back into place but the skin still tingled warmly. 

-

They were given time to heal. After the big ones- the end-of-the-world ones- they always were. Just to make sure no one could sue probably. Benji spent most of it holed up in his apartment, reading and watching telly. It was almost like being a normal person- except every time he looked in the mirror he saw the slowly fading bruises, or when he slept and saw even worse things. 

Still, he caught up with most of the shows on Netflix he'd been wanting to see. And he rearranged his bookshelves into colour order instead of height. And Spring cleaned his kitchen for his first time ever. In Autumn.

Okay he was bored as hell. 

He'd pretty much worn the same grey joggers, and occasionally changed his shirt, because he wasn't leaving the house so why bother? He didn't have anyone to see, and didn't want to see anyone. Outside seemed a little too... much. When he went for groceries for the first time, he'd almost had a panic attack seeing a man in a long black coat in the supermarket. 

He was scrolling through Uber Eats trying to decide what to get when he heard the door. Not a knock, but a scrap and shift of metal against metal. 

Everything narrowed and Benji felt the panic surge to his heart. He dropped his phone and grabbed his spare gun from its place under the living room table. Trying to keep his breathing steady, he approached the door and watched the lock turn, gun pointed at it. The knob twisted and it opened, and Benji stepped into view brandishing the weapon.

Ethan looked at the barrel is mild surprise, then at Benji with his eyebrows raised. Benji realised his hands were shaking and he dropped them to his side glaring at Ethan- it wasn't just his hands shaking, his whole body hummed uncomfortably.

"Eth- What the hell!? Why would you break into my flat?" Benji scolded, going into the living room to get away and try to breath.

"I wasn't sure if you were here," Ethan replied, close behind.

"He- where else would I be? Better yet, why didn't you text me first?" Benji half-laughed. He tucked the piece under the table again and Ethan watched him in that calculating way, hands in his pockets.

"Is that where you keep your spare?"

"No, no no, you don't get to change the subject you almos-" Benji wheezed, finding it hard to breath. He swallowed and glared away for a second. This was too much. 

"I'm sorry, Benji." 

"It's fine just... next time text me," Benji sighed, dropping his hand from where it was clenched over his heart. Now he could see Ethan's scraps were almost healed, looking pink and angry but healthier. Benji wondered if his ribs were okay. "Why are you here, anyway? You're meant to be on mandatory bed rest, remember, I know you have a devil-may-care regard to orders but I thought maybe this time you'd actually follow them."

Ethan smiled and shrugged a little, left hand lifting to press against the opposite ribs slightly. "I'm healing just fine, Benji, don't you worry."

"I do worry!"

Looking a little taken aback, Ethan moved to Benji, hand outstretched. The touch to his shoulder made Benji flinch- it was far too close to his neck. Ethan watched him react knowingly, and waited with his palm hovering until Benji relaxed and he settle just at his collar.

"I worry too. I wanted to check in on you."

"Me? Me, I'm fine," Benji shrugged, feinting nonchalance. "Never better."

Ethan tilted his head slightly. "Benji..."

Irritation suddenly reared it's head within Benji. "Wh-what do you want to hear, Ethan?" Tea sounded like a very good idea and he went back to the kitchen. "How I can't sleep some nights? How, how I'm afraid to leave the house?" He said, switching on the kettle. Leaning on the counter, Benji closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was hard to say, especially to him.

Ethan was someone he looked up to from day one when he was chubby faced and carrying a box of supplies to his new desk in computer analytics. He had been an untouchable super-hero then, but these days- since Benji went into the field- they were more equal footed. It was almost like he took the exam to prove himself to Ethan and the IMF; that he was more. 

And now, to tell Ethan he wasn't as strong as he thought... He was just scared. 

He didn't notice him until their elbow's touched, as Ethan slide next to him facing the opposite direction. Benji put a bag in each cup and chanced a look at him, seeing the hard slant of Ethan's mouth. 

"Benji... I was in the field long before you joined the IMF. You heard... you heard what happened to my first team." 

Benji swallowed hard, recalling the mission report he'd dug up- bored one day and curious about his assigned field agent. "Yeah, Ethan."

"It took a while for me to get better, to stop... seeing everyone's faces where ever i went. What I'm saying is, It's normal, Benji," Ethan looked at him, passionate sincerity in his eyes. "We do things the people around us wouldn't believe. And we see things no one should see. But the thing is, Benji, it is 'we'- it's us. I'm here, for you, always."

The kettle clicked. Benji twitched, but he couldn't look away from Ethan's face. It was hard to believe Ethan was still alive and whole. The things he'd been through would have broken any one else, Benji was sure. Ethan wasn't smiling but there was nothing sad about his expression, he just gazed at Benji waiting, eyes a little lower than his cheek. Suddenly Benji wondered if this was it, the moment he'd wanted for longer than he'd like to admit. 

He breathed in, half whispering under his breath, "Ethan." As he leaned in Ethan moved fractionally too, face unchanged but eyes sliding toward Benji's parted lips.

Something started buzzing loudly. Benji drew in a sharp breath and turned back to the mugs in front of him. He poured the water as Ethan drew his phone from his back pocket and tapped the screen hard. The sound of his heart beat pulsed in Benji's ears as he asked himself if that'd just happened, had they really almost...

"Yes?" Ethan said sharply. As Benji moved the kettle to the other mug, Ethan's hand reached out and stopped him with a touch to his knuckles. Benji looked at him and Ethan pointed to the phone, mouthing 'Brandt'. 

"I understand... Yes... I'll be there in ten minutes," with another forceful tap Ethan hung up and turned to face Benji. "They want me in the office, I'm sorry."

"No, no it's fine. Go." Benji smiled reassuringly, tapping his fingers on the counter. Ethan stepped forward and gripped Benji's upper arm, looking him hard in the eye.

"We'll talk more, okay." It wasn't a question. Benji didn't watch him leave. Just gazed into the seeping green water and listened to the footsteps and the click of the door softly closed behind them.

-

He couldn't sleep. This wasn't unusual, but on most nights it was because Benji could feel the oppressive darkness of the hood over his head, and the surety that someone was beyond the door. However, tonight Benji stared at the ceiling, at the soft white eggshell cast grey in the night and all he could think about was Ethan.

From almost day one of meeting him, Benji had had a crush. Ethan was already the office heartthrob, everyone had a crush on him or wanted to be him. Benji was both. To his utter surprise they'd become friends easily; Ethan was just too nice not to like and seemed to like Benji right back. He had gotten to know the man everyone whispered about in the corridors. See him dance at Luther's birthday party, fall asleep under a desk, eat an entire twinky in one go just to make Benji laugh.

It had been so easy to fall in love with him, Benji barely realised it happened. 

He groaned and rolled over, mushing his face into his pillow. He was lucky they were always just too busy to do anything about it all. It was safer to run around the world and defuse bombs and wear masks than tell someone he was in love with them.

Peering over the edge of his pillow Benji saw the alarm clock glow accusingly: 3:30 AM. It was hopeless, Benji threw back the covers and got out of bed stumbling toward the kitchen and the salvation of hot tea.

He went to the counter and half collapsed on it, sighing heavily as he watched the blue light in the kettle come on. That's when something shifted in his peripheral. Two times in one night, Benji sighed, turning to try and see Ethan in the dark. But all he found was three figures, poised around his kitchen island.

"Oh fu-"

Everyone moved at once. Benji grabbed the mug- my favourite fucking mug, he thought as he did- and smashed it into the face of the first intruder on his left. The second slide across the counter and landed toe to toe with Benji who quickly thrust his knee into their abdomen. They countered by grabbing Benji's calf but in the narrow space could do nothing more than shove him into the cupboard. 

Benji's head connected with the shelve and he saw stars as the third assailant grabbed his arm. With his free arm, Benji reached out blinding and took a plate from behind him crashing it into the side of the third's head and follow it with a swift punch. They staggered, disorientated, but the intruder holding his leg lashed out and grabbed Benji by the throat before he could move sideways.

That sensation, all too familiar and horrifying, stunned Benji. He latched onto their forearm with both hands, gasping. Not again, not again, was all he thought. He tried to shove them off with his awkwardly raised leg but it was futile. The first attacker reappeared, the black material glistening wetly across their face. Benji felt some satisfaction in that at least. It was short lived when they came forward, needle raised in their hand. 

"N-" Benji gasped, trying to wriggle away but the sharp metal met the skin beneath his jaw and he shuddered as the plunger went down. Seconds later the dim room darkened, and fade away. All Benji felt was relief as the sensation of fingers on his throat disappeared.

-

Headquarters was dark but for a few offices dotted around, where some poor sucker or other had been hauled in for an international crisis or assignment. Ethan used to worry when he saw them, wonder what was happening but these days he walked past unfazed. Tonight he felt a little lighter, the ache in his ribs was toned down by the thought of Benji inches from his lips. He'd been too unsure for so long about whether Benji was still suffering from hero worship or actually liked Ethan. And now he was fairly sure. That was exciting. And terrifying.

On the fifth floor he found Brandt in his office, posher than Ethan's (thought Brandt spent most of his time at headquarters these days so it made sense). He opened the glass door without knocking and Brandt looked up, disheveled and eye's more laden with bags than usual.

"Ethan," He said, standing. "Thanks for coming in, hope I didn't disrupt your night too much?"

"It's fine," Ethan answered even as he wondered what would've happened if Brandt hadn't disrupted it- would he have had the courage to go through with the kiss? Benji had looked so good, eyes half-closed and cheeks blushing. "Why am I back a week early? Not that I'm complaining."

Brandt chewed his lip a moment before replying quietly, "it's about Lane."

Ethan tensed. "I thought we were done with him. The CIA-"

"Gave him to MI6, yes. But this is about his network."

"The Syndicate?"

"The apostles. Or what remains of them." 

"Walker is dead, there is no 'apostles'."

"People don't just magically disappear, Ethan, the organisation falls- the individual remains."

"What're you saying, Brandt?"

"Have you heard of the 'Nemesis Contingency'?" Brandt asked. When Ethan shook his head, Brandt picked up a files from his table and dropped it in front of Ethan. He picked it up and opened the front page as Brandt explained. "We detained one of Walker's colleagues on the ground in Kazakhstan. He told us, after some persuasion, Walker had installed a fail-safe in his contract with the Apostles."

Ethan looked up from the file. "A fail-safe? What kind of fail-safe?"

"If Walker was to be killed, the Apostles were directed to find and kill the person who did so," Brandt looked at him hard. "That's you, Ethan."

"How could they possibly know?" Ethan asked incredulously.

"They don't. But someone on the outside accessed the mission report for that day and they know who was there."

At first all Ethan could think of was what a bastard Walker was and how much he wished he'd let him die over Paris, again. Then he thought of Ilsa and Luther and Benji. Benji.

"My team-"

"We're bringing them in, I've sent people to their homes. We wanted to get you here first, as the team leader."

"Benj-"

"Agents are two minutes away. He's at a secure flat."

"I was with him last, if they were following me-"

Brandt reached for the phone as Ethan did the same. He stood as he dialed- too wired to sit- and listened to the tone with baited breath. Brandt was speaking but Ethan couldn't hear him all he could hear was no one answering the phone. Benji wasn't answering his phone.

"He's not picking up," Ethan muttered then turned to Brandt, "he's not picking u-" He stopped when Brandt looked up, there was that look in his eyes Ethan had dreaded, had prayed, he'd never see.

"Something's happened."

-

The first thought that came to Benji was of Solomon Lane. He felt binding around his wrists, the scratch of a cotton bag against his face and thought of how familiar this was. That lead to contemplating what happened next the last time and panic quickly rose. He fidgeted, leaning forward and wincing at the throb in the base of his skull. Twisting his bound hand he strained and managed to grab the bag, pulling it off his head. 

He took a deep breath of cool air, blinking under the sudden white light. It was an office, a generic kind of place like the IMF headquarters with nasty LED strip lights and beige carpets. Behind him the floor to ceiling windows view was hidden by blinds but he was sure they were still in Washington.

Turning his head sent another shock of pain through his skull and Benji remembered the fight. His knuckle were a little scrapped and there were small cuts across his left palm where he's shattered the cup over one of their heads. He couldn't move his leg but he knew there would be a myriad of bruises on his shin too. 

Okay, okay enough, he thought. He had to find a way out now.

He teased the rope but it was some kind of durable hiking rope and hardly worth trying. But the chair itself was plastic. He shoved backward until he met the edge of the desk behind him. He knew Ilsa had done this and it'd worked but half the wood in that shack had been rotten and he was a little skeptical. 

"C'mon, Benji, c'mon," he muttered, closing his eyes and willing the fear away. Then he hauled himself forward, chair legs off the floor, and sprung backward. There was a brittle sound of plastic snapping and a crash as the monitor on the desk fell backwards. Benji's head cracked against the keyboard and his spine shrieked with pain but the plastic fell away, swinging from his arms by the rope.

He fell to the floor, groaning, stars spotting his vision. Yeah, his whole body was throbbing now and- if he made through the night- he was definitely going to feel that in the morning. After a minute he wrestled free of the broken plastic and rope and stood, immediately doubling over and groaning again. He took a deep breath and staggered to the doorway, peering through the little window. The corridor was dark so whomever had taken him wasn't there but he could see light coming from an office two doors down. 

Testing the door, he found it locked and cursed. But there was a fire hydrant on the wall which Benji grabbed. Praying it wouldn't be too loud, he brought it down against the handle. It snapped on the third strike. He waited for a sign of someone coming but silence stretched on. 

He eased the door open, stepped out and immediately regretted it. The automatic lights flickered on. Benji froze. Voices rose from the room. 

"Shit," he groaned and broke into a run toward the fire exit. He banged through the door and almost ran right into a burly man in all black who looked just as surprised as Benji felt. After a second of dumbly staring at each other, Benji swung the hydrant still in his hand and whacked the guy across the temple. He went down like a stack of bricks. The hydrant slipped from his grip on impact and flew into a step, banging loudly.

"Uh, sorry," Benji winced to the unconscious guy as he took the Beretta from his belt, and quickly headed down the stairs. He almost fell on the third flight, vision blurring again. He closed his eyes and grabbed the back of his neck finding it wet and hot. His hand came away bloody. 

Noise above snapped him out of it and he forced himself to keep running.

On the bottom floor, Benji fell down the last two steps landing on his hand and knees. Pain flamed from his palm, up his wrist. His whole body was on fire and he was so fucking tired. 

The noise above him was getting closer but he's legs felt like lead. What was the point? They get him. He was tired of fighting. 

Then there was another noise, a banging much closer. Benji forced his head up. There were two double doors to the parking lot before him and beyond the glass Ethan stood pressed up against it. 

"Ethan?" So he was hallucinating now. The figure was staring at him, looking more panicked than Benji had ever seen him. 

"Benji, open the door," he heard, muffled by the glass. Wait. Benji sat up. That was actually Ethan shaking the door by the handle and pointing down. 

Relief and confusion muted the pain enough for Benji to stagger up and over to the door, reaching for the lock. But through the pane Ethan's eyes darted behind Benji and widened.

"Benji!"

Just as he turned he was struck across the jaw by a heavy fist, toppling him sideways- gun flying from his palm and skidding away.

Benji gasped but recovered enough to block the next punch to the side of his head. He jabbed the assailant in the gut and followed it up with a shoulder, throwing them back. The guy was twice his size though and he only stumbled a few feet before coming toward Benji again, purposefully. 

Benji blocked the first hand but then the other the man grabbed his throat forcefully. Benji gasped, brought to his tip toes and suddenly he was in a dark shack surrounded by debris and Ilsa yelling. He was too tired, he was ready to give up. Then there were gunshots and a crash as Ethan appeared, flying through the door in a swarm of glass shards. 

The man's grip loosened slightly in surprise and Benji kicked at their kneecap, snapping it in an unnaturally direction. They roared in pain and dropped Benji onto his knees. Blood dappled the concrete in front of him and Benji watched more drops join in, until he realised it was from his nose. He looked up and saw Ethan fighting now, two other men running into the stairwell too. Everything felt sluggish, the men moving in slow motion. Benji realised he had to help, it was Ethan- Ethan had come to save him. He could do this, he couldn't give up. 

He threw himself sideways, picking up his stole Beretta and raising it. It took three shots to take out the two new comers but he couldn't get a clear shot of the third man. It didn't matter because in no time Ethan was on top of the guy, sucker punching him into unconsciousness. Good, Benji thought.

Bloke deserved it. Then he passed out. 

-

Ethan sat staring at the wall. He'd sat like his for hours now, perfectly content to wait and stew in his anger and guilt. He checked the clock again, then the bed beside him. Hours. Benji was still asleep. He'd watched the bruises slowly darken across Benji's face and arms. More cruel marks courtesy of Walker and Lane inflicted on the people Ethan loved. He itched to reach out and take Benji's hand but it was bandaged (sprained, apparently) and he couldn't bare the thought of hurting him more. 

It made him think of Julia, of her kidnapping and how afraid he'd been. For a moment back there he felt what she must have felt, forced to watch Benji fight with no way to help. Watching Benji get hurt was somehow worse because it was Benji's choice to be part of it- Ethan wondered sometimes if it was his fault, if Benji chose the field because of him. But he couldn't help admire him so very much; his bravery and sheer determination to do good. 

The monitors beeped and Ethan was reassured by its sound. He gazed at the lines of Benji's face, a familiar tiredness in every one. Then Ethan gave in and reached out, touching Benji's shoulder. 

"I'm sorry, Benj," he murmured. He let his hand travel upward, to his throat tracing the last marks of the rope. 'I won't let anything happen to you'. The words echoed in the pit of Ethan's chest. He'd utterly failed. Heart in his throat, his fingers skittered across Benji's bruised jaw and into his hair, smoothing it back. He shifted, leaning against the bed, and kept running his fingers through the brunet strands. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat but tears prickled his eyes and he had to muffle his sob with his palm. 

"I'm so sorry."

His eyelid fell close and let the tears fall, wondering how Benji could ever forgive him, let alone love him back. It felt like hours before he could calm down and his breathing because steady again, but he never stopped stroking his hair. 

Then he saw Benji's brow furrow, and his eyelashes flutter. Ethan's pulse jumped and he stood from his perch, leaning closer. 

"Hey, hey, Benji," he whispered. Benji turned his face into Ethan's palm.

"'Than?" Benji croaked, opening his eyes. It took a moment for him to focus but when he looked at Ethan his smile was real and wonderful. 

"It's me. How you feelin'?" Ethan asked, rubbing his thumb over the purpling mark on his face. 

"Better than ever." Benji said and they both chuckled knowingly. Benji winced and his hand shot to his side. Suddenly Ethan sobered and the guilt roared back to life. 

"I'm sorry, Benji."

"It's okay, you saved me."

"No, I," Ethan swallowed. "I'm sorry I broke your ribs." He'd tried so hard to stay calm when he was doing compression's, but as the ambulance arrived he heard the crunch under his palm and almost passed out. Not that he'd tell Benji that.

Benji blinked. "Oh."

"What?"

"Well that explains the pain in my ribs."

Ethan laughed, more out of disbelief that Benji was making a joke.

"It wasn't your fault." Benji wheezed, his other bandaged hand slide over Ethan's. "How did you find me?"

"We got a partial on the kidnappers car outside your building. We already had an extraction team on the way so they were careless, in a hurry." 

"Who were they?"

Ethan explained in a hushed tone, never moving his hands from Benji- it was the only thing stopping him from falling apart. Touching Benji made him sure it wasn't a dream. It was hard to tell if Benji was really listening, he just looked at Ethan, drifting over his face and back to his eyes.

When he finished, Benji just smiled again his eyes a little watery. "You must be getting tired of saving me."

"No. Never. I got you into this mess, I had to get you out." 

"I feel like I'm having deja-vu," Benji started to sit up and Ethan hovered awkwardly. "Ethan, we talked about this- I know the risks, it was my choice."

Benji settled against the pillows looking pained but determined. The blanket pooled at his waist revealing the bandages around his chest. Everything Benji had said leaked out of Ethan's mind in an instant.

"Oh god," he choked, touching the bandages.

"It's- Ethan, stop. It was my fault, it was the fighting and escaping. Plastic chairs are surprisingly brittle. Ilsa would've been proud," Benji rambled grabbing Ethan's hand and squeezing. Ethan shook his head and sat on the edge of the bed. "Ethan."

"Jesus, Benji, I can't keep seeing you like this."

"Topless?"

"Hurt."

"Oh." Benji held Ethan's hand between his, rubbing his knuckles gently and chewing his lip before continuing. "I'm a field agent, Ethan, that's not going to change and you have to deal with it because it is not my fault you can't. What we do is dangerous, and you do it better than anyone but whether you like it or not I do it too."

"I know. Benji you're brilliant it's just this Lane and Walker stuff, it keeps coming back," Ethan sighed. Then Benji's eyes softened and he put a hand on Ethan's neck, dragging him into an awkwardly angled hug. But God it was good, Ethan pressed his face into Benji's shoulder breathing deeply. It made his ribs ache but he needed the contact, needed to feel Benji's hand on his back and in his hair.

"We'll get through it. I know we will," Benji said. It was a prayer and a promise and exactly what Ethan needed to hear. 

They stayed like that until Ethan's tender ribs couldn't take it anymore and he sat up, trying to subtly sniff and blink away the mist in his eyes. As he opened his mouth to say something- though he wasn't sure what- a nurse can through the door. Ethan moved from the bed back to his seat as the nurse fussed with the machines and asked Benji some routine questions. He leaned on one hand and watched Benji talk. He was still smiley and friendly even when he was more bruise than person. He had come so far and Ethan adored that about him. It wasn't like Julia, he realised, because Benji chose this from day one. It wasn't anyone's fault. 

"Ethan?"

He snapped too at Benji beckon, realising he'd started to drift off. The nurse had gone and Benji was looking at him with a quirked lip and raised eyebrows. 

"When did you last sleep?"

"I'm fine, Benji." 

"No you're not, Ethan, please go home I'll be fine," Benji said, patting his arm. 

Ethan shook his head, and picked up the remote, turning on the television on the wall. "I'm not going anywhere." He scooted his chair and threw his feet up on the bed beside Benji's. Ethan tried to concentrate hard on the terrible sitcom but he knew Benji was looking at him.

"Neither am I," he heard by his side and his pulse jumping again. He reached out and took Benji's hand gently. 

"Thank you."

It did not take long before they drifted off- Benji swayed by the drugs and Ethan only letting his eyes fall shut when he saw Benji's contented face. They were safe, together. 

PART 2

Since becoming a field agent, Benji had taken plenty of hits (he hadn't been shot yet but he didn't want to jinx that by thinking about it too hard). He'd fought his fights, been in a car that's flipped backwards half a dozen times, kidnapped and strapped to a bomb, nearly shot, and strangled meters away from a counting down nuclear bomb. This time hurt the most.

His whole back was mottled, grim to look at and even worse to feel. At least the rest of him wasn't so bad; his face was bruised on the jaw but his beard mostly covered it. The scar on the back of his head stung a lot but couldn't be seen. Everything else was just a dull kind of throb if he stood up for more than ten minutes. He couldn't even use his laptop for very long because his wrist and the cuts on his hand would start to hurt. 

Being home was hardly any better than being in hospital- instead of being on a adjustable bed staring at a t.v., he was on a sofa staring at a t.v. 

He sighed watching the Lorali Gilmore choose another man over Luke again, prodding his throbbing side. He had wondered around the house for the last two days in nothing but sweats and an old cricket cardigan (it was hard to pull a t-shirt over his head). Being at home was starting to get boring again and he was miserably in cabin fever. At least the pain medication helped him sleep without dreaming.

Just as Netflix was loading the next episode, there was a knock on the door. That was the other thing. Every day Ethan had come over at lunch and stayed until Benji fell asleep. It was bizarre but Benji felt... better with him there. And he knew Ethan needed to do it just as much. 

Ethan was holding a bag in one hand when Benji opened the door.

"I bought groceries."

"Just once I wish you'd say 'I bought take-out' or 'I bought some processed food instead of making you eat my super-spy healthy diet, Benji'," he grumbled, stepping aside. He would never admit that he liked Ethan cooking in his kitchen. He kicked the door shut, keeping the cardigan wrapped around his chest, and followed Ethan. Since his reaction at the hospital, Benji had been determined to not shown Ethan his injures.

"So what's on tonight?" Benji asked, easing into a chair at the island.

"Chicken Ceasar." 

"Mmm."

"How was your day?"

Benji sighed, watching Ethan move around. Outside work Ethan wore soft shirts and jeans that made him look beautiful, especially his arms and his ass. It made him feel very self-conscious in his woolly cardi. 

"Lorali's dating the school teacher again."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Ethan gave him a look and smiled before turning back to his rainbow of vegetables. It was soothing to just sit and watch him with the t.v. on in the background. Ethan bustled around like he owned the place (he'd cleaned up the mess from the fight and sneakily rearranged the cupboards which Benji pretended not to notice). It was the most contented Benji felt in a day.

"H-How have you been?" Benji asked, fumbling with a loose thread. He still found it weird making small talk with Ethan- they didn't need to but when Benji's thoughts got too loud he had to.

"Good." the answer was accompanied by that same smile, perfectly neutral and friendly but a firm full-stop. Which obviously meant Benji had to side step it.

"Woah slow down there, you're talking my ear off."

Ethan chuckled, "what'dya wanna hear, Benj?"

"Ethan, all you do is look after other people, you're cooking me dinner right now and less than a month ago you were laid out of the side of a mountain almost dying of hypothermia and four days ago you threw yourself throw a glass door and save me. I wanna hear how you actually are."

"No, you don't. I told you already," Ethan said, voice more raised than Benji had ever hear before. Of course his face was the picture of calm, though his eyes were a little brighter than usual. "I'm used to this, Benji, the nightmares, the injures, the paranoia- but I'm not used to not being able to protect you."

"Is that why you're here everyday?" Benji asked quietly, heart fluttering. It was the same feeling as just as few days ago, side by side at the counter looking at each other this way. 

"I have to see you, to just... know." Ethan answered. Benji moved closer, reaching out and touching Ethan's elbow.

"I like to see you too."

This time the smile was more genuine, he looked at Benji with something warm and kind. Then his gaze traveled to Benji's throat, almost markless now, and to where his cardigan was wrapped tightly around his torso. He asked with a look, and Benji couldn't answer but he let go of the sides so it fell loose. 

"It's..." Benji breathed as Ethan pushed the material aside like curtains to a window into Benji's soul. Everything felt brighter and closer, Ethan's fingers like electricity as they trailed down his side. Benji gripped the counter, hardly daring to breath as the love of his life stood in front of him and danced him hands across his body. 

There was silence but for television in the background, and Benji felt a hysterical laugh bubble in his chest which he quickly swallowed. He looked at the top of Ethan's head and decided, yes, this was the moment- he pushed his hand into Ethan's fringe running the hair backwards and watching it flutter down. It made Ethan look up finally, and his hands froze on his hip and ribs.

He wanted to say something grand and romantic, something to mark the moment but all he thought was 'my hand is in Ethan's hair'. So he kissed the man.

It was close mouthed and at an awkward angel, Ethan's crooked nose bumping his cheek. But it was fantastic. Ethan sighed against his lips and straightened, hands gliding over fragile skin to settle on Benji's hips. It made Benji's breath catch and break the kiss, moving away just a fraction. All he saw in Ethan's eyes was mirrored in his own. Then Ethan's brow furrowed like he was thinking of something.

"What?" Benji breathed.

Ethan titled his head and murmured, "just..." before kissing Benji again. This time they met perfectly, Ethan slipping his tongue between Benji's wanting lips. He made an embarrassing noise and returned the kiss enthusiastically. Ethan wrapped his arms around Benji's waist and pulled him closer, sending a thrill through Benji's body. Every raging ache and pain turned to a whisper under Ethan's touch. There was nothing else, just them kissing languidly. And the Gilmore end credits.

When they broke apart, lips lingering just a moment and desperate to stay close and buried in the sensation, Benji knew he'd never want to kiss anyone else ever again. Ethan looked beautifully undone. The smile that came next was radiant, better than any Benji had seen before. He realised he was staring and laughed. 

"That's been a long time coming." He said quietly, the words kept just between the two of them. 

"I was never sure..." Ethan replied, hands moving distractedly across his sides. Benji rested his forehead against Ethan's, sighing.

"Me neither... I am now though." They both laughed a little breathlessly.

"God, Benji," Ethan groaned. "This is... It's going to be harder now. Seeing you out there..."

"I'll be alright," Benji ran his hand through Ethan's hair again and watched him close his eyes. "We both will, because we have each others backs, right?"

Ethan looked at him, wide eyed with some kind of realisation.

"Right." Then he hugged Benji, burying his face in his neck and circling his waist. Benji smiled and leaned close, breathing him in. For a while they stood like that and Benji felt the tension in Ethan begin to drain away. He felt it in himself too. Eventually- and reluctantly- they unglued themselves from each other. Ethan grinned at him bashfully.

"I'll finish making dinner."

"Yeah, o-okay," Benji wrapped his cardigan around himself again. "I'll, um, just, yep." He scurried away from Ethan's smug look.

Sitting on the sofa he watched the t.v., not really taking it in. He held his aching chest with one hand and stroked his beard with the other, thoughts churning. His whole body hummed with residual energy, emanating from every place Ethan had touched him. Just one kiss and he was already hot under the collar. His lips spread into a huge, uncontrollable smile and he half covered it with his fingers.

Ethan came in an episode later, handing Benji a bowl and sitting next to him. Benji's pulse immediately quickened as their knees touched. Trying to distract himself he took a huge mouthful and glared at the screen until he realised Ethan was watching him. He glanced at him and slowly swallowed. The man looked... nervous? It was kind of a relief to know Ethan "Super-Spy" Hunt could even be nervous.

Benji smiled and leaned over, kissing him on the cheek. "It's delicious. Thank you," he said and sat back, but a little closer than before. He knew Ethan was smiling again, it seemed to radiate from the guy. Then Ethan darted forward and kissed him on the cheek too.

"Thanks," he said quietly. The two of them ate dinner with goofy looks on their faces.

-

For a while they did this; Ethan continued to come over at lunch, continued to make dinner for Benji, continued to leave before midnight (like Benji's dad had given him a stern talking to). The only real was change was the kissing. It was a very nice addition in Benji's opinion, although his ribs didn't agree at first. When the food was cooking, or they had finished their meals, Ethan would kiss him.

Sometimes it was unprompted. Ethan would step around the kitchen island and taking Benji's face between his hands and kiss him gently. He was always cautious with those kisses, he would wait for Benji to push back or clutch his waist before going any further. They made Benji's body hum happily, every time he would sag against Ethan with a sigh and kiss back lovingly. Ethan would laugh and wrap his arms around Benji, keeping him up.

Then there were the other kisses- those that Benji was having trouble with. It'd be fine at first- they'd be watching television or reading or something terrible domestic- Ethan would touch Benji's thigh or neck and lean over, lips on his neck. Benji would pretend to resist, just for fun, but quickly the tv show would be forgotten or the book dropped with the page unmarked. He would bring their mouths together, and shift until Ethan was braced over him. He'd hook his fingers through Ethan's belt loops and drag him between his legs. The kisses were biting, full of tongue and teeth and Ethan's soft gasps.

But every time- and this was were Benji was having the trouble- Ethan would back off much too soon. He'd slow to kiss and break away, pecking Benji's cheek and whispering 'I should go'. Reluctantly, Benji would unhook his calf from the back of Ethan's thigh and let him move away. With a pillow in his lap he'd watch Ethan leave.

Needless to say Benji had the bluest of balls. He understood why for the first few days; Benji was still healing. Now, thought, the bruises were yellow, and he could put a t-shirt on without wincing, and still Ethan never wandered past his chest. He couldn't tell if it was Ethan's being reluctant about whatever this... thing of theirs was, or just overly cautious. He would have to bring it up soon or he'd lose his mind.

-

He was oddly nervous. First days were always nerve-wracking, but 'first days back' shouldn't be so. Yet, Benji stood at the elevator and his palms were sweating and his heartbeat was a little too fast. Among the small crowd he watched the numbers count down to their floor, until he felt an elbow bump his arm and looked away.

Ethan stood by his side, smiling brightly. It instantly had a calming effect and Benji felt his shoulders drop and he smiled back.

"You beat me here," Ethan said quietly.

"I didn't know you were coming in today too."

"I've been back on desk duty for a few days," Ethan explained and held up a travel mug. Benji looked down and saw another in his other hand.

"You-you bought me tea?" he said dumbly, taking it. Ethan huffed and shoved his now free hand in his pocket. Benji felt himself blushing. To everyone around them it was perfect innocuous; a colleague bringing another colleague a morning drink. But for Benji it was... Special. It felt stupid to think but it was something from Ethan, a sign that this thing of theirs went beyond the confines of Benji's apartment.

The lift dinged and everyone piled in, shoulder to shoulder. Ethan stayed next to Benji and, to Benji's delight, as the elevator rose Ethan's hand brushed against his. Fingers wrapped around his pink and ring fingers and from that point of contact a fresh wave of warm spread through him. He was going to be fine.

As everyone left, Ethan gave them a squeeze and let go, walking on ahead of Benji.

For the rest of the day Benji walked around with his thoughts occupied. He settled in at his desk, spoke to well-wishers and friends, answered the phone, did some work half distractedly. All the while he was thinking of Ethan. They needed to talk, Benji needed to understand what was happening with them. This went beyond getting laid. He liked Ethan more than he could say and he just needed to make sure...

"Benj?"

Benji jerked away from his desk, mashing the keyboard by accident and typing a jumble of letters into the code. Ethan stood by his desk, eyebrows raised.

"Hi, hey, sorry I was... day dreaming," he said bashfully. Ethan's face morphed into a smile, and he propped himself on the edge of the desk.

"S'okay, so first day back is going that well?"

Benji laughed, "yeah. Did you, um, need something?"

"Right, yeah," Ethan swung his leg a little, chewing his lip- was he nervous again? "So, can I come over tonight?"

Benji peered at him over his glasses, "you mean like you do every night?"

"I guess so," Ethan chuckled. "I just wanted to ask, y'know, in case you're too tired or something."

Benji's heart glowed warmly and he rolled his chair a little closer. Here he could reach out more subtly and rest his palm on the inside of Ethan's knee. Ethan's eyes went a little wider and he was clearly fighting a smile.

"That's sweet, you're sweet. Just- come over, I wanted to talk anyway," he saw panic briefly flash across Ethan's features and quickly continued, "nothing bad, we just never seem to, um, get around to it when you're over."

That made Ethan smile, bright and a little smug, and Benji wanted to scowl but all he could do was smile back.

-

Whatever kind of nervousness he had felt this morning was now tripled. Benji stood around in his kitchen staring at the freshly cleaned surfaces, buffed beyond measure and probably a little bruised. He may have gotten carried away with the nervous cleaning. Sighing he touched his ribs gingerly, feeling no shock of pain or ache. It was a relief to finally feel like he was stitching back together under the surface.

He had changed three times, showered twice, and settled for soft trousers and a Sonic Youth t-shirt. His antsy-ness was approaching a new peak when there was a knock at the door. A long held rush of breath left him and he went to answer it.

"You knocked," Benji said as he opened it. Ethan looked up, momentarily silent. He had changed too; into a denim button-up and black jeans.

"Well, yeah,. Felt... like I should," he replied, hands in his pockets.

"Right. So," Benji stepped back. "Come in."

Ethan brushed by him and Benji tried not be creepy but, God, he smelled good. Shutting the door, he watched him take his shoes off and wander into the living room. After a minute of collecting himself, Benji followed.

Ethan watched him from beside the coffee table and Benji was compelled by his gaze- and his very nicely fitted shirt- to walk over to him and kiss him. Ethan seemed surprised for a second when their lips met, but quickly recovered, and held Benji's hips. Lost in the kiss, Benji relished the sensation of Ethan's hands slipping under his t-shirt. But he quickly sobered to his real mission and drew back.

"So, Ethan," he breathed.

"Yes, Benji?" Ethan murmured with a smile, fingers still on the warm skin of his sides.

Realising he couldn't do this with Ethan so close, Benji withdrew- keeping a hand on Ethan's chest to stop him following. He touched his lips for a second, pleading with his stomach to stop fluttering for just a minute. To make matters worse, Ethan watched him with heat in his eyes like only Benji's hand was keeping him at bay.

"So..."

Ethan chuckled, "you said that already."

"Well, you're very," Benji waved his hand vaguely, "you're distracting."

"You make that sound like a bad thing."

"It's not or- or it could be, depending..."

Ethan frowned slightly, watching Benji's hand fall away. "Depending on what?"

"On, um, on what this is. Between us, I mean. We kiss a lot, you make me dinner, you bring me tea and hold my hand but I still don't... know what we are."

"Oh," Ethan looked half relieved, half confused. "I thought- well, I wanted... us? I want us to be together."

Now Benji was relieved. He sighed again and rubbed his ribs, "that's what I want too."

Ethan grinned, eyes sparkling. Benji rolled his eyes and smiled too; the man was infectious. Then Ethan came close again, taking Benji's hand and running his fingers over his knuckles.

"So, Mr. Dunn, can I take you to dinner? Saturday night?"

"I'd like that a lot," Benji murmured. With a satisfied nod, Ethan leaned in and brought their lips together in a kiss so soft Benji wanted to cry.

-

The whole of the next day was spent watching Ethan. Benji sat at his desk for most of the morning (sipping the drink Ethan had given him by the lifts again) and split his attention between his laptop and Ethan sat four tables over. Both being of desk duty sucked, yes, but it meant Benji could see him. If they were in the field already Benji doubted he would be able to concentrate on the mission.

He'd feel more creepy staring at him, if it weren't for Ethan always looking at him too. They'd constantly catch each other and grin stupidly before going back to pretending to work.

At one point Benji really did do some work, concentrating on a emergency security infiltration for a field team. As he finished up and sent the requisite materials, Ethan appeared at his desk. He leaned over Benji's shoulder and watched him close the windows. Benji tried to ignore how he could feel Ethan's warmth from here.

"Did it turn out okay?"

"It'll be fine, I got it done pretty easily," Benji answered, swiveling his chair and smiling up at Ethan.

"You always do," Ethan said, a hint of pride in his tone that Benji found much more enticing than he should have. "So do you want to go to lunch?"

"Lunch? Um, sure. Let me grab my coat."

It wasn't terribly cold outside. The sun was out, but Benji was glad he wrapped up. Even Ethan- Mister Superman Spy himself- wore his navy peacock with sunglasses perched on his nose.

Walking beside him Benji felt a little odd, a little... out of place. Ethan was the kind of guy who people would look at as he went by; his unusual face and confident walk was quiet a combination (and dressed in boots, and black jeans that hugged his thighs? He was a sight). Benji was sure he was just terribly average next to him; a dorky guy in glasses, a coat and tartan scarf.

"You okay?" Ethan asked. He must have seen Benji's perturbed look because he was peering at him with quiet concern.

"Yes! Yeah, sorry, I'm..." Benji trailed off, too embarrassed to explain. Then Ethan took his hand. Benji almost froze in surprise. Ethan wasn't embarrassed to walk next to him, to even hold his hand. Benji swallowed hard and slid his fingers through Ethan's, lacing them together. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Ethan grinning.

He took them to a van selling fancy coffees and bagels which Ethan bought for both of them (ignoring Benji's protests). They ate and walked, taking the more scenic route back to work. With every step Benji felt more at ease, possibly because his blood sugars were up, but also from how easy it really was to be around Ethan. He listened intently to Benji and answered just as enthusiastically. Ethan was never talkative but it matched Benji's tendency to ramble, and he never made Benji feel weird about it.

Eventually they stopped at a bench and sat together to finish their drinks. Ethan took Benji's hand again, resting them between their thighs. It made Benji stumble over his words a few times, focusing more on how Ethan's fingers fit between his than what he was saying.

"I guess we should get back," Benji sighed, lifting Ethan hand in his to look at the watch on his wrist.

"Yeah," Ethan muttered, looking a little disappointed. Benji stood and pulled Ethan onto his feet, making him smile. All he wanted to do these days was make Ethan smile.

"Hey, wait a minute," Ethan said, tugging Benji back. Benji was about to ask 'what' when Ethan kissed him. This time he did freeze, his first instinct was to pull away. They were men kissing in public, they were Benji 'Tech-nerd' Dunn, and Ethan 'Super Spy' Hunt kissing in public. But there was no hesitation in the lips on his and when Ethan moved away, Benji quickly swooped back in and kissed him with confidence. He tasted the coffee and the sweet bagel. The ice thawed and Ethan licked into his mouth like he was trying to taste him too, hands inside Benji's coat at his waist.

"Are you using me to try and keep your hands warm?" Benji asked against his lips.

Ethan smiled and raised his eyebrows, "I admit nothing," he whispered and slid his hands into Benji's back pockets. Benji felt the heat rising in his cheeks and looked around at all the strangers passing them by. Thankfully, before Benji spontaneously combusted, the man relented and moved away. He took Benji's hand again and pecked his knuckles, looking at Benji's flushed face with a roguish smile.

"C'mon we're gonna be late," Ethan said and led Benji away.

-

The restaurant was a quiet, softly lit Italian place with cloths and candles on the tables. The matrade greeted Ethan happily, shaking his hand and clapping his arm. Ethan almost seemed embarrassed by the attention, giving Benji an apologetic look. Benji just watched with a warm feeling in his chest. They were lead to a table in a corner by the window where Ethan sat himself with his back to the wall.

"Sorry about that, my uncle knows his father," Ethan said when the matrade left. Benji took off his coat and scarf and shrugged.

"Don't be. It's cute."

"Cute?" Ethan repeated in amused disbelief.

"That's what I said," Benji replied grinning mischievously. Ethan glared at him but it was in jest, and quickly turned into a smile.

Benji had been looking forward to this all day, jittery with excited energy. He wondered if he should be more nervous but sitting across from Ethan, he just felt... comfortable. Okay, he had been shaking a little bit when Ethan picked him up but now he was perfectly steady. Ethan had kissed him on the cheek and murmured how great he looked and, at the car, opened the passenger door for him. The man was well versed in dating etiquette and Benji did feel a little overwhelmed by that.

"I don't do this much," he admitted after the waiter took their order. Ethan gave him a quizzical look.

"I mean, um, dating-" he laughed at himself nervously, looking at the squares on the table cloth. "Even before becoming a field agent I never really had time." Then, Ethan's hand covered his own and Benji glanced up. He was looking at Benji in this way, this gentle and fond way that made Benji's pulse jump.

"This is like any other night, it's just me and you having dinner." He was right, of course. In the days proceeding Ethan asking Benji out, they'd done what they always had; Ethan still came over, made dinner, chatted and laughed. Kissed, a lot. Benji was in a constant haze of happiness around him,and he could see Ethan was too.

Then Benji's face fell as realisation suddenly washed over him, "wait have we... have been dating this entire time?"

Ethan laughed in surprise, head falling back. Benji couldn't help watching his throat.

"Maybe, yeah," he answered and Benji groaned. "For a couple of special agents we're kind of clueless."

"'Clueless'? I'm such a... I messed this up so badly already didn't I?" Benji wished he could sink through the floor and disappear from view. But then Ethan was smiling at him, and Benji would dare to call it lovingly.

"Not even a little. It just took a little while for us to get here but, to me, it was worth the wait," he said. "And listen, it's... been a while for me too. So don't worry."

"Okay... good," Benji breathed out, slouching in his chair a little.

"You're doing great, Benji. What was it you said before, 'we have each others backs'?" Ethan leaned closer and his voice dropped to a whisper. "Well I've got yours."

-

The apartment was dark and Benji tripped a little as they staggered inside. Without breaking their kiss, Ethan patted the wall until he found the switch and turned the lights on. Benji gasped as Ethan's hand returned to its place on Benji's backside, tugging him closer. As Ethan bit at his lip, Benji realised he would never get tired of kissing him.

"Wait," Benji gasped, turning them and pushing Ethan against the wall. He kissed Ethan's lower lip and then slid to his knees, holding Ethan's gaze. Watching Ethan's flushed cheeks, he ran his hands down his thighs and then his calves to his shoes.

"Oh, you..." Ethan half laughed, half groaned in frustration, hitting his head against the wall as Benji unlaced his shoes. Once they were off, Benji stood back up and kicked his off too. There was a second where they looked at each other, Benji wondered if Ethan was doing what he was doing- memorising this moment.

It didn't last long. Ethan made a soft noise and grabbed Benji by the back of his neck, crushing their lips together.

They did the dance of trying to stay lip-locked while taking off their clothes. It ended with Ethan laughing with his blazer hanging from one arm and shirt rucked up over the opposite shoulder. Benji had knocked his glasses off somewhere and was in his underwear with one sock on.

"Okay, let's-" Ethan chuckled, finally throwing the blazer and shirt aside. Benji pulled off his sock and threw it on the pile too. Now topless, Ethan took Benji's in hand and slowly unbuttoned it. Benji watched the tunnel-vision focus on his face, like he was defusing a bomb. He trailed his gaze over Ethan's chest, sparsely haired and carved from marble.

"That's better," Ethan muttered, pushing the material from Benji's shoulders. They stayed there before sliding down his chest and over his abdomen. Benji tensed a little as a fire was set ablaze his gut. Ethan's eyes flickered up and he smiled. This time Benji was the one bringing their mouths together desperately. He walked them back to the bed but as the mattress came closer, Ethan turned them around and pushed Benji to sit on it.

He clambered into Benji's lap, knees either side of Benji's thighs. It was a beautiful view to look up at- Ethan's flushed cheeks and chest, and the way his hair curtained his face. Benji ran his hands up his solid thighs, to his hips. With care Ethan cradled his neck, kissing him and pushing his tongue gentle over Benji's. Too focused on the way Ethan licked into his mouth, Benji didn't noticed Ethan's other hand sliding down his chest until it reached his boxers.

Fingers pushed past the elastic and wrapped around his cock and Benji groaned, nailing digging into Ethan's hips. He gasped brokenly, as Ethan began stroking him in earnest. Benji look at him, hardly able to keep his eyes open against the sensation, but determined to see Ethan's expression. It was the same concentration he dedicated to defusing a bomb but far more sensual. If he were to look at a bomb like that, Benji might be jealous.

"Oh, God, yes," Benji moaned, only realising he had said it out loud when Ethan chuckled breathlessly.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he answered in a whisper, lunging forward and kissing Ethan. He couldn't keep it up, breaking off every few seconds to gasp nosily every time Ethan changed his grip or brushed his thumb over the head of his cock.

As the coiling feeling in his stomach tightened Benji knew he was close. He tried to tell Ethan but all he could do was keen and bury his face in Ethan's shoulder, biting at the hot flesh. He heard Ethan gasp too, and felt his grip twist suddenly and that pushed him over the edge. With a shaky sob he came over Ethan's fist, sure he breaking the skin of Ethan's hip and neck but not really caring.

For a dizzying while he just shivered against Benji until Ethan let go of him, tucking him back his his underwear. He had to choke back the pathetic noise in his throat. Ethan lifted his face, smiling down at him. He was blushing furiously but Benji was sure he was even more red. Then he realised, Ethan was still hard in front of him and shaking just as much.

Wrapping his arms around Ethan's waist and thigh, he lifted and turned them; laying Ethan out in the middle of the bed. Ethan looked at him clearly surprised and Benji couldn't help feeling smug- even Ethan underestimated his strength. He braced himself over the man and kissed at the red mark on his neck apologetically. Ethan stroked his hair, breathing noisily with anticipation.

Slowly Benji kissed down his chest, feeling the rise and fall of the lungs beneath his hands. He mouthed at Ethan's skin, biting and kissing and biting, and by the time he reached Ethan's trousers the man above him was incoherent. It was satisfying to hear Ethan's gasp as he opened up his trousers and pulled his pants down, even more so when Ethan moaned as he licked at the head of his cock.

It didn't last long. Benji's hands found the same place they'd dug in before, and held Ethan down as he worked him with his mouth. Ethan gripped his hair, tugging at his scalp just on the edge of painful. Benji didn't mind, it just let him know he was doing well and that was intoxicating.

"I'm- I'm- Benji," Ethan panted, pulling a little harder in warning. Benji hummed in reply but didn't relent, swallowed around Ethan and listening to his gritted moan. Then he felt him tense and suddenly there was hot liquid in his throat. Benji swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut against the taste and listening to Ethan's weak gasps. He pulled of when he ran out of the breath, the last of his load coating his chin.

Ethan's hand fell from his hair and Benji sat up, rubbing at his wet beard, breathing hard. He couldn't help feeling proud as he looked at Ethan, laid out and utterly spent. He looked beautiful. On jelly-like arms, he crawled back up to Ethan.

"God, you're too much," Ethan croaked, wiping the sweat from his brow and blinking at Benji with damp eyes.

Benji hummed. "You started it," he whispered, kissing him with swollen lips. Ethan sighed and brushed his hands over Benji's sides.

"You okay?" Benji asked against his cheek.

"Never better. You?"

Benji laid down at Ethan's side, one arm and leg over his, and replied, "never better."

-

When Benji woke he was confused for a moment. It was still black out, and he was far too warm. He squinted in the dark and realised the warmth was a certain body laid half on top of him. Ethan lay on his chest, clutching Benji's sides with his face turned into his neck. Benji smiled and gently moved them so he could breath a little easier but still had Ethan in his arms.

As he waited for his eyes to adjust to the dark he stroked Ethan's hair, pushing his hair behind his ear. Once he could make out Ethan's sleeping face, peaceful and unaware, he kissed the corner of his mouth. He was in love with this man, completely so. He had been for a long time, he realised, but could only see it now in the dark of this room. How terribly poetic.

Smiling, he leaned close so he could feel Ethan's breath against his cheek. He was in love with Ethan and he couldn't wait to tell him.

**Author's Note:**

> title comes from Wires by Athlete cos it makes me very emotional
> 
> part 1 had the most action ive ever written, hope it was of a good standard!
> 
> fun fact: this was actually the first fic I ever wrote for this ship but I left it buried in my drafts for ages (although i have added a good 6k words)!
> 
> hope u enjoyed, kudos and comment welcome x


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